I sat down with the favorites of FireVivor: Area 51- Fans vs. Favorites, the upcoming 9th season of FireVivor, where 6 of your all-time favorite contestants are returning to play once more against 6 "superfans". Here are their pre-show interviews.
FireProbst: Hello, Tia.
Tia: Oh, Hello! :)
Q1- "How are you?"Edit
FireProbst: HOW. ARE. YOU?
Tia: Oh, I'm well. How are you? :)
FireProbst: Uh... good.
Tia: Exuse me?
FireProbst: UH GOOD.
Tia: Oh, that's nice!
Q2- "SURPRISED ABOUT BEING PICKED AS A FAVORITE?"Edit
Tia: Oh yes. I thought most people hated me for my loss of hearing.
FireProbst: Speaking of that............DO YOU THINK YOUR LOSS OF HEARING WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL?
Tia: Of course not! :) I made it to the end last time, why not now?
Q3- "DO YOU WISH ZAC WAS COMPETING THIS SEASON?"Edit
Tia: Oh, he isn't? :(
FireProbst: NOPE. IS THAT A PROBLEM?
Q3- "DO THE OTHER FAVES THREATEN YOU AT ALL?"Edit
Tia- Oh, of course they may threat me! I can't be sure they will though.
Q4- "AND NOW FOR THE QUESTION EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW: DO YOU HOPE FOR A CHALLENGE WHERE YOU GUESS FIRE'S PENIS SIZE?"Edit
Tia: (giggles) Please, everyone knows the answer to that! It's obviously 2!
FireProbst: ...Fuck you....
Tia: Well, I got to go! :) Have a nice day! I hope you find fudge, too!
FireProbst: Hi, Ash.
Q1- "How are you?"Edit
Ash: I'm fine, so is Pikachu!
FireProbst: Good, good.
Q2- "What makes you different from all the other faves coming back?"Edit
Ash: None of the others have a big fire breathing dragon that blows stuff up!
FireProbst: Good point, that might come in handy.
Ash: Plus, I'm the only guy from Japan!
Q3- "Have training Pokemon taught you anything about Survivor?"Edit
Ash: Uh, yeah! It showed me I have to work hard to achieve stuff! And also, never trust a talking cat.
Q4- "Do you think there's any more pressure on you, since you were one of the least considered favorites by other users?"Edit
Ash: Well, I'll make them love me this season! And if they don't, Pikachu will pee on the rice, pee on the beans, and burn the shelter to the ground.
FireProbst: Oh, so does that mean we might see a tougher side of Ash this season?
Ash: I'm rough, tough, and Jigglypuff!
Q5- "Which favorite are you most excited to meet and play with?"Edit
Ash: Chandler! His name sounds like Charamander!
FireProbst: xD. Ok, thanks Ash.
FireProbst: Hi GOD.
GOD: HELLO MORTAL. HOW ARE YA.
FireProbst: Well, your rays of light are burning my eyeballs, but other than that, I'm good.
GOD: OH MY APOLOGIZES. THEY DO THAT ON OCCASION.
Q1- "You're one of the most anticipated returnees this season. How does that feel?"Edit
GOD: ...YOU CALLING ME OLD, KID?
FireProbst: ...Wait, What?
GOD: ALTHOUGH I DATE BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF TIME, SO I GUESS WITH MY MILLIONS OF YEARS UNDER MY BELT, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD. EXPERIENCE IS KEY I SUPPOSE.
Q2- "Which favorite are looking most forward to meet and play with?"Edit
GOD: I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO ALL OF THEM. GOD LOVES EVERYONE, YOU KNOW. I PLAY NO FAVORITES... BUT MAYBE ANAL. I DID CRAFT THAT ASS AFTER ALL. SHE WAS A SPECIAL ORDER.
Q3- "You talk a lot... Think that could be your downfall?Edit
GOD: ...PERHAPS. GOD SEES MANY THREATS. BUT THE ONE THAT BESTS HIM EVERYTIME IS HIMSELF. GOD KNOWS THIS, BECAUSE GOD KNOWS ALL.
FireProbst: Wow, that's deep. So, wha--
GOD: I JUST SAW A BUTTERFLY. DID I MENTION I HAVE ADHD? GOD IS A DISTRACTED GOD TOO.
Q4- "Who's the bigger threat in your eyes: The Fans or the Faves?"Edit
GOD: THE FANS ARE DANGEROUS TO ALL OF THE OTHER FAVORITES FOR THEY KNOW LITTLE OF EACH OTHER. BUT OF COURSE I AM FINE. FOR I KNOW ALL. LET THEM TRY AND BEST ME. I SHALL ONLY BE VOTED WHEN I HAVE CHOSEN TO LEAVE.
FireProbst: Well thanks, Go--
GOD: TIS THE WORD OF GOD. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO MAKE SURE WE GET MICHAEL JACKSON'S CHILDHOOD. HELL GETS THE REST.
FireProbst: Hi, Chandler
Chandler: Hey, Probst.
Q1- "Which returnee are you most excited to meet?"Edit
Chandler: Uh, honestly, probably GOD.
FireProbst: Why is that?
Chandler: I mean, he's the possibly-physical incarnation of God. Could that BE any more blasphemous-but-also-awesome? I can ask rhetorical questions in this interview, right? Because that's really the only way I can show off my catchphrase.
FireProbst: Yeah, sure.
Q2- "So, we all know you didn't really like Anal last time you played with her in The Sahara. Do you think you might rely on her more this season?"Edit
Chandler: Of course not. This whole thing, for me, is really about going against her. I underestimated how good of a player she could be in The Sahara. I won't be changing my relationship with her, but I will be playing on an agenda. And that's my first step. What I'm saying is I'm going to vote her out, if you didn't catch all the metaphors. get it?
FireProbst: Yeah, I get it. Very interesting answer. You're the first person who's really given us some inside on the strategy this season.
Chandler: Yeah, probably was a mistake. But, I mean, it WAS obvious.
Q3- "How are you emotionally? You seemed very....non self-confident in The Sahara. How are things with that?"Edit
Chandler: I'm definitely working on it for this. Strategy really tends to affect your emotion, and I had very indecisive strategy in The Sahara. I didn't know what I was gonna do next, how things would turn out for me. This season, to me, is a chance to improve on that.
FireProbst: Well, I wish you the best of luck with it. Thanks for talking with us, Chandler.
FireProbst: Hi, Anal!
Q1- "How do you think the audience sees you?"Edit
Anal: Well CLEAHLY, they see me as a QUENNNNN but I OVVESLY have some ISSHOESto TWERK OUT WIT DESE FAN HOES. FireProbst: XD Ok.
Q2- "How do you feel about Chandler being one of the returnees?"Edit
Anal: OH CHANDLA IS MAH HOAMBOIII. WE TWERK TWENNY FOUR SEVEN.HE SAYS IM A BITCH BUT I KNO WAT HE MEANZZZ U KNOOOOO
FireProbst: And you're POSITIVE Chandler feels the same way about you?
Anal: I MEAN COULD HE BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS WIT HIS FEELINS? HE TRYNA SQUEEZE MAH ASS
Q3- "Speaking of your ass, everyone wants to know: How did you craft that perfect thing?"Edit
Anal: I NEEDA THANK GOD FO' DAT. SPEKKIN OF GOD I SAW HIM IN DA HALLWAY AN ON DA PLAYNE HE WAS TAKIN A FINE GLANCE AT IT!
Q4- "Are you surprised at all to be a returnee this season?"Edit
Anal: um...no. it's FANNZZZ versus FAVEZZZZ, an obviously i am LUVVVED. MAH GAME IS GUNNA BE FAH FAH FAHHHH MO' STRATEGICAL. MAH ASS IS NOT, NOT, NOT A POINT TO BE MAKIN THIS TIME AROUND. IMMA GET VOTES WIDDOUT SOME ANAL. ANALAPINQUANNNAAAA.PEACE HOES xoxoxk.
FireProbst: Nice talking to you, Anal.
FireProbst: Hi, Rachel. Welcome to the interview.
Rachel: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Fire! Can we cast Brenden as a fan? Sup, bitches?
Q1- "Surprised people liked you enough to bring you back?"Edit
Rachel: No, not really. I mean, I'm just an amazing girl with an amazing personality. Last time I competed I was up against... What was his name? george? Whatever, meaningless details. He was such a man whore though, So obviously people rooted for me, and that's why I'm back here. :)
Q2- "Some people say your strategy is to act like you're on Big Brother. Is that true?"Edit
Rachel: Act? What the heck?
FireProbst: "Well, you know this isn't BB, right?
Rachel: This will be my fourth time playing Big Brother, why would I have to act like it? Ugh, you people are delusional, of course this is Big Brother. We're in the diary room right now! This version just likes to be a bunch of bitches and hide the pantry and bathroom in the woods. Jerks.
FireProbst: You SERIOUSLY have yourself convinced this is Big Brother...so let's just move on...
Q3- "Which returnee are you MOST excited to meet and play with?"Edit
Rachel: Ugh, you're in on it too. -.- I'M NOT AN IDIOT. I'm most excited to play with Chandler. He looks like a little ball of dough, I think we could hook up in the house, unless, of course, Brenden's there. Hmmm, I wonder what Chandler acts like after he drinks some tequila....
Q4- "Are you at all concerned about Anal x Chandler happening, since they interacted a lot in The Sahara?"Edit
Rachel: Anal's a floater, so she better grab a life vest. Oh, wait, her butt is so buoyant she doesn't need one!
Q5- "One last question: Will you be leaning more towards the hero or the villain side this season?"Edit
Rachel: I am neither. But I guess I'd probably be a hero considering I take out all the bitches, and floaters.
FireProbst: Well thanks for talking to us, Rachel.
Rachel: Have any tequila?
FireProbst: No. Go now. You're creepy.
Rachel: (tackles Fire to the ground) AREN'T I PRETTY THO? ARNT I PRITTI???
FireProbst: YES, BEAUTIFUL!